Looking Forward - Looking Back Series III

Boy vs. Girl

Blog dedicated to boyfriends and girlfriends.

Okay I admit it I don't get women. I know I am one, and you'd think that would give me a hands up but I haven't had the best of luck with female relationships. Starting with my mother, (I was allergic to her breast milk) sister, (me cheerleader, her burnout) female cousins, (them shopping and phone conversations, me hating both) aunts, (them crying when I got my period, me seething alone in my room) girlfriends, (well, read on you'll get it) I never really got them and they never really got me.

There are two instances (well more than that but these are big) that I look back on in my female relationship history as outstanding, ground shaking, life altering, core changing times in my life. The moment where in one second everything works, life makes sense, you belong and know who you are, the next second there is no ground, no up or down, and nothing makes sense.

Case Study 1: Julie - she knows who she is. She was my best friend and I mean in my heart and soul - this is big for a girl who does not have girlfriends. She made me laugh, cry (which is a rarity), we hugged, slept over, indulged in home pedicures, cake making, and even burping contests. We played in the rain together, jumped in mud puddles, and revealed our growing buds to each other. I trusted her completely like I've trusted no other since. A deep love, a deep admiration, we even had nicknames for each other, me Ilse, her Emily. No matter what happened in my life I knew Emily was there, she had my back. That is until she stuck a knife in it and twisted until every last fond memory of her spilled onto the bloodied floor and dried there turning cold and dark.

It was 9th grade and we were taking over the high school one club at a time... We were like gasoline and the match. We ignited all we touched. Then she burned me.

Todd was my very best guy friend. We had known each other since 3rd grade, played kick ball together....built worm forts together, laughed, joked and plain hung out together. I introduced him to Julie in middle school. And the three of us became a coveted threesome. We were the cools ones. The three who started the places to be. Everyone was welcome, we included, no exclusions here...until that fateful weekend where everything changed - never to be the same again.

There was a dance and Julie couldn't go. So Todd asked if I wanted to go with him. Sure, as friends of course. But the night was long, we danced, even slow danced then the atmosphere between us changed. It became charged like never before. He kissed me. I felt dazed, overwhelmed, excited, confused. I felt happy. My body tingled, gooosebumps rose. He was my best friend and now to be my boyfriend. Perfect.

Sunday I was meeting Julie at the mall. I had tried to call her Saturday, but got no answer, no return call.

I waited near the waterfall, searching the many mall patrons for her happy face. There she was, coming toward me, brown curls bobbing, big smile wearing, my best girlfriend, Julie. As she approached she gushed that she had something unbelievable to tell me. And I returned the same excitement and statement too. She said you first. I smiled wide.

"Todd kissed me!" I exclaimed. Her face drooped. "What?" I asked.

"He kissed me too," she said.

I couldn't believe it. My heart cried out in pain. How could he do this? My best friend? What the hell?

Julie explained that he had called her Saturday morning and asked her out on an official date to a movie. She was so excited but afraid to call me. They sat in the last dark row, where he kissed her during the credits.

My eyes welled up with hot tears. Angry tears burned, but did not fall. I blinked them away. What a jerk.

I devised a plan. A perfect way of getting back at this boy who thought he could come between two very best friends. We agreed that tomorrow morning, Monday AM, we would tell him that he was an asshole. That we were done with him as a friend. And to never call us again. We'd oust him. He would no longer be cool. He'd be dead to the school.

Monday morning came fast. My stomach ached. He was my best friend and I had fallen for him during our kiss. But there was no way a boy was going to come between me and my long time friendship I had with Julie. No way!

First period was when I would see him, the jerk, the snake. There he stood, handsome as ever. Blond hair, aqua eyes, smiling at me with that stupid dimpled grin. I sauntered over to him, my eyes narrowed and his got wider. "What's up?" he said.

"What's up? What's up? I'll tell you what's up." I practically screamed. The room stopped chattering. "You think you can kiss me and then kiss Julie? You think you will come between us? You're an asshole!" Then I stormed out. I skipped first period, hiding out, crying in the bathroom.

Third period was when Julie would lower her bombshell too. Third period came and went. We were supposed to meet in the bathroom on the second floor. She didn't show. My stomach worsened.

Come lunch the rumor had spread through the entire school. Julie and Todd were the hot new item. I didn't believe it, until I saw it. There she was sitting on his lap at our lunch table. I stared. My heart shattered in unrecognizable pieces. My two best friends backstabbed me. I cried.

I understood his idiocy, but not hers. We were blood sisters, played in the rain together, held burping contests, cried about guys and about our nonexistent boobs, laughed at movies, had nicknames for each other. How how how how how could she do this to me? I left school. I couldn't face our table while the king and queen held their false court.

The next few weeks felt like years to me. I was the one ousted, not him. They were the coolest couple and I was the loser. The one not chosen by either of them.

I moved on, slowly, painfully. I found new friends and swore off men forever. But I got through it. Although it did leave a scar, a big one. To this day I do find it difficult to trust women. I also find it difficult to believe men. Thanks Emily and Todd for that. But in the end I have become a stronger person. And I know that this story will make a hell of a Young Adult novel someday. Planning the chapters as I write...

I wonder....did Todd ever find out what happened at the mall that day? Did he ever know that I was willing to stop my feelings for him for my friend? Does he realize what a snake he ended up with? I am guessing yes since they did not last long after high school. I wonder if she ever thinks of me? Does she feel sorry for the friendship she stomped on for a guy? Or was this an early pattern emerging in her ice heart?

Well I do thank them now, for I learned a lesson in love and friendship. Love yourself above girlfriends, above boyfriends. Love yourself and follow your gut, even if you get ousted! I am glad I chose her over him. I found out how strong our friendship was or wasn't. I found out that I am a good friend, a great friend actually, a trustworthy friend. I am proud of myself.

Oh, also, I have them fueling my writing fire...a reality show coming soon in regards to this- but that's another post another day.